Always
by darveyisforever
Summary: After Joe White's death, Catherine is there for Steve in a way nobody else could be. Even though it feels like everything changed, Steve has to realize that one thing will never change: Catherine's loyalty and their friendship. Together they deal with feelings like anger, sadness and guilt. But what about their feelings for each other?
1. Chapter 1

_AN: Aloha guys! Since we are all wondering what might have happened between Steve and Catherine in the month between Joe's death and Danny's arrival at the ranch, I thought why not put some of my ideas into writing. Therefore this focuses on the relationship between Steve and Catherine and not on them avenging Joe's death. This might become an AU at some point, but I am not sure about that just yet._

_I really appreciate that y'all are taking the time to read (and review) this story! That really means a lot to me...but now have fun reading! I hope you like this story :)_

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**Joe's ranch, Montana, 0800 hours**

Steve had stayed with Joe for hours and only returned long after the sun had set. At some point he had even gotten himself to lay down to at least try and get some sleep, but even though the exhaustion in his bones had let him sleep at some point, he woke up just mere hours later, bathed in sweat and breathing heavily. It was pretty cold, considering that it was early December and the sun hadn't risen yet, but he barely noticed it. Steve was sitting on the steps leading to the small house, starring into the distance, but he wasn't really noticing his surroundings. Yet, a little part of him was always on alert - something that had stuck with him from his military training - and he knew that he wouldn't be safe as long as he didn't find Greer.

Everything seemed to hurt; every muscle in his body felt sore and his heart felt more broken than it had in a long time. As much as he wanted to avenge his friends' death, he had been forced to deal with loss from a very young age onwards and he was just so tired of fighting. He buried his head in his hands, as he could feel the tears prickle in the corner of his eyes again. How the hell did he end up here? With yet another loss?

He considered calling Danny or somebody else from his ohana back in Hawai'i, but the last thing he wanted to do was endanger them for something he did. He was sure that he was gonna need some back-up though and the one person that would not only be the perfect asset, but at the same time the only person he really wanted to see, was no longer a part of his life. The last time he had seen her was about 8 months ago, when she had come to O'ahu to enlist his help to find a terrorist. They had easily returned to their witty banner, one of the things he had always enjoyed most about their bond, and as right as it had felt, it had felt wrong at the same time. Especially when she had left again.

Before he could actually think his actions through, he had already fished his phone out of his pocket, unlocked it and dialed her number. He had deleted her contact information about three years ago, but he still knew the digits by heart. It was one of those things he would probably never forget. The rhymtic sound coming from the phone was somewhat unnerving and the realization of what he was doing hit him like a punch in the gut. However, before he could change his mind and hang up, the monotonous peeping sound was replaced by the sound of someone breathing.

"Hello?" her all to familiar voice asked. She sounded somewhat sleepy and that was when he realized that she might be located in a totally different time zone. The guilt that already was a prominent emotion of his ever since Joe's death, intensified, even though it wouldn't have changed much had he thought about it, because he didn't know where the hell she even was located. "Hello? Steve?" Somehow she just knew that it was him.

"Catherine." he whispered finally and her breath hitched, when she heard his voice on the other end of the line. After all it's been almost 8 months since she had last heard it. "I am sorry..I didn't think about the time..difference."

"It's fine, it's fine." she assured him quickly, because it didn't really matter to her. The momentary relief that had filled her body the second he had answered, was slowly but steadily replaced by anxiety. Because even though she knew that he still cared about her, she was pretty sure that he would only call in cases of emergency. "Steve? Are you okay?" she asked, afraid to even imagine any other constellation.

"Yeah..I am okay." he replied quietly. In contrast to Joe and his other team members, he was very much alive and kicking, however, when it came to his mental well-being, he was very far from being okay. "I.." he trailed off, because he didn't know what to say.

"What is - wait," the soft tone she had used before hardened, when it hit her. She had overheard a conversation between two of her colleagues that members of a former SEAL-team were being targeted and murdered, but before she could have dug deeper, the conference had started and her mind had to focus on other things. She hadn't even considered the possibility that it might have been Steve's SEAL team until now, "That was your SEAL team, right? Oh god, I am so sorry, Steve."

He didn't even ask how she knew about this, after all she was working with the CIA. "Joe is dead." he mumbled instead, as the first rays of sunshine brought a sensational warmth to his face. Saying it out loud made it so real, it felt like he was suddenly waking up from the trance he had been in ever since Joe died. He started shivering, or else only noticed now that he was shivering; he hadn't really realized how cold it was until now.

"I.." she trailed off, uncertain of what to say. She could literally feel her heart sink, when she thought about what he was going through right now. "I am so so sorry, Steve." she whispered after a while and she meant it with every fiber of her being. The man that she had once been so deeply in love with already had to deal with so many losses in his life and for god's sake she couldn't believe that life had now taken Joe from him, too.

"It was Greer. She was part of the SEAL-team. She sold us out." he continued and he could feel the anger raise in his chest. He just couldn't understand what had made her do this, "She is the one behind all of this."

Hearing those words from him made her even sadder. She had never really liked the woman, considering how she had talked about Steve, but being betrayed by someone you once admired and trusted always hurt a good 100 times worse. "Is there anything I can do?" she asked then.

"Well..as long as you are asking, there kind of is something." he responded and he couldn't stop his lips from curving up slightly. The knot in his stomach loosened a bit and in that moment he knew that he was glad that he called her. She was one of the few people, maybe even the only one, that could make him smile even when he felt like crying.

"Are you asking for a favor, sailor?" she replied teasingly, as a big grin broke on her face. She had always liked being the one he called for favors. Back when they had still been together, there had been numerous people he could have called for occasional favors, but he had always called her. And she knew that it had been his way of saying that he was missing her.

"If you put it that way, Rollins, I think you owe me."

"Oh-ho." she laughed, "Is that so? If I remember it correctly, I think it's the other way around."

"Hm, I vaguely remember you enlisting Five-O's help earlier this year. I think I let you use our ressources and flew to a Kaho' olawe with you. I mean, I risked my life there." he replied, still grinning broadly.

"Okay, hm, I guess then there is no other thing left for me to do, but help you." she said, playing along, before her voice got more serious, "I will be there within the next 36 hours, okay?"

"You know you don't need..only if-" he started, suddenly feeling bad for asking such a huge favor, fully aware that she probably already had enough on her plate with her job.

"I will be there. Whether I owe you or not, you need a little bit of back-up." she interrupted him. She still cared about him a lot and even if they were no longer in each other's lives, she would still drop everything if he needed her. And he would do the same. "Still the same location?" She was almost certain that he was in Montana and since she had once picked up Steve from the Joe's farm in Montana, she knew where it was located.

"Yeah..mahalo, Cath."

"Always." she replied softly, "And Steve? I am glad you called."

He was glad, too.

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**One day later: Joe's ranch, Montana, 1625 hours**

Steve was sitting on the steps leading to the small house again, trying to figure out his next step. He had spent the last 32 hours since he had spoken with Catherine, making about a dozen calls and arranging a funeral for Joe. His next step was now trying to figure out a way to find Greer. He snapped out of his thoughts, when he noticed a car approaching. Even though he was pretty sure that it was Catherine, his hands automatically wandered to his gun and within a second, he was completely focused. With his weapon drawn, he got up and it was only when he realized it was Catherine who was getting out of the car that he finally lowered his weapon.

"You know, it might not be the best idea to shoot your asset." Catherine said teasingly, as she was approaching him. His lips curved up slightly, but his eyes betrayed him. Even though it was already dawn, it was still light enough for her to make out his silhouette and even his face.

"Hey." she whispered, as she wrapped her arms around him, wishing that she could just as easily take his pain away. He bowed his head a little and buried it in the hair that was loosely falling on her shoulders. He closed his eyes to take in that to him still so familiar scent of hers, as he wrapped his arms around her body, automatically pulling her even closer. A part of him couldn't believe that she was here. Right now. With him. After everything that had happened, after everything they had been through, she was here. To be there for him in one of his darkest moments. But he wasn't really surprised, because she had always been the one to be there for him. They had created a really extraordinary relationship over the years, it was one of the things he had come to cherish the most. He had always been one to easily make friends, but he never really let anybody get too close. But with her it was different and he was just so glad that she was here. With him.

"Thank you..for coming." he mumbled, after he had slightly lifted his head from her shoulder, so she would be able to understand him.

"Where else would I be?" she asked, as if there had never been a doubt in her mind, whether this was really a good idea. Of course there had been reoccuring doubts plaguing her mind and standing so close to him reminded her of the nature of those doubts, but he needed her and she would be damned if she wasn't there for him. He just shrugged, not sure what to say to that, as she carefully loosened her grip on him.

"Have you eaten yet?" she asked then, even though she already knew the answer. He just shook his head, so she intertwined her fingers with his and wordlessly lead him into the house. After they had eaten some noodles - the only eatable thing they could find - they cleaned up the small house as far as that was possiblle. He had barely registered how bad it looked; the windows were shattered and the walls were covered with bullet holes rather than pictures. It was a miracle Steve was still alive and she couldn't help the sign of relief escaping her mouth. Even though they were no longer dating, he was actually barely a part of her life at all, she still couldn't imagine saying goodbye to him for good.

As she was sweeping the flinders, a photo that was placed on the shelf caught her attention. It must have been taken on the day Steve graduated from BUD/S. He had his arm around Joe and they both were smiling proudly into the camera. She smiled sadly and closed her eyes for a moment. Aside from his impressing military record, Joe had just been a kind soul. He had been like a father to Steve and she had always admired the way he had so selflessly looked out for Steve. He was a good man and he sure as hell didn't deserve to die this way.

"I really like this picture." Steve said, who was suddenly standing next to her. She turned around to face him, the fact that he had startled her a little not visible on her face, and hummed, because she liked it too, "I can't believe it's been almost 19 years." he added, a hint of sadness was resonating in his voice.

"Yeah, time really flies by." she agreed with a soft nod. As she came to think of it, it had been around that time that she had first met Steve and they had become friends. He had only asked her out two years later in 2002, but still, she couldn't believe she had known Steve for almost 20 years. She had known him for almost half her life.

"It does. Can't believe we have known each other for that long." he added and she eyed him with surprise, because he had thought of the same thing.

"We have gotten old, huh?" she replied, half-heartedly joking. A part of her really felt like they had gotten old, like time was flying by faster with every year that went by.

"I guess we have."

For a while they just stood there, staring at the photo in silence. "I am so sorry, Steve." she repeated the words she had only said over the phone before, "We will find her." He hadn't exactly told her what had happened and she wasn't about to push him into doing so, because she knew he needed some time. Though he had briefly mentioned that Greer was the one behind this and she knew that it had something to do with his old SEAL team, she hadn't put the pieces together just yet.

She turned her face away from the picture and looked up at him. Their eyes met and he understood the silent promise she was making. They would find Greer. Together. And she would stay as long as finding her would take. As long as he needed her. He nodded slightly, a gesture of acknowledgement and appreciation, before he turned his head away and swifted slightly in his position. A bit of the guilt was overshadowed by the warm feeling that was settling in his stomach.

"Um, you can sleep here if you want." he suggested and nodded with his head in the direction of the bed, "I can sleep on the couch."

"Oh come on sailor, I am not gonna let you sleep on the couch." she replied, a little amused by the insecurity that was resonating in his voice, "The bed is big enough for the both of us..I mean unless you don't think you can control yourself." she added teasingly.

He clicked his tongue, "Uh, you know, it isn't me I am worried about." he replied and grinned in the same flirtily manner.

"Oh, you don't have to worry about me." she told him, when their eyes locked. Their faces were only mere inches apart and subconsciously both of them knew that what they were saying was absolute bullshit.

"Okay then."

"Okay." she echoed, a soft smile was gracing her face, "I am gonna hop under the shower real quick." She broke the eye contact, moved past him and wandered through the dark room and towards the bathroom. After she had locked the bathroom door behind herself, she leaned against it with her back. She momentarily closed her eyes and took a deep breath, as it slowly dawned on her that she was in for one hell of an emotional rollercoaster.


	2. Chapter 2

_AN: I am normally a lot faster when it comes to updating. I was basically done with this chapter days ago, but I was a bit unsatisfied with it, so I worked on other stories, instead of trying to 'fix it'. I am still not quite content with this chapter, but I hope you like it!  
_

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**Joe's ranch, Montana, ****0230 hours**

Catherine listened to Steve's rhythmic breathing pattern and it comforted her knowing that he probably wasn't taunted by a nightmare right now, but in spite of that she still couldn't seem to fall asleep. Of course she was a bit jetlagged, but that wasn't all though she couldn't quite put her finger on what was keeping her awake. The next few days, probably even weeks, were going to be pretty damn nerve-wracking - so much she knew.

They would not only spend every minute they were awake looking for Greer, but at the same time they needed to mourn Joe's death and somehow come to terms with what had happened. And even though the latter might sounded like the easier task, she knew it wasn't going to be that way. They both had sharp minds and could very well think outside of the box. In combination with their military training and ressources they were bound to find her at some point. She wouldn't be able to dogde forever.

However, dealing with the loss of Joe was of another caliber. After all, Joe had been like a father to Steve. As sad as it sounded, she knew Steve had gotten kind of used to losing loved ones over the years, which didn't make losing Joe any easier, quite the contrary actually. And the fact that she made it onto that list herself still made her heart clench in her chest. He had long since forgiven her for everything, but a part of her still felt pretty bad about hurting him - it was the last thing she had ever wanted to do. She sighed softly, burying her face even deeper in the pillow.

She still didn't know what the hell had happened here and even though her mind was racing trying to figure it out, she wouldn't push him to tell her. Leaving the CIA for an unknown length of time wasn't exactly the easiest task, but threathening to quit had finally done the trick. As much as she was enjoying her job, lately she had been asking herself at what price she had been doing it. She practically gave up her whole life and everything she ever loved, when she had accepted the job offer. Sometimes she found herself laying awake at night wondering how her life would look like right now, if she had chosen him over the job. Would they be married? Maybe even have a cute little kid running around?

"No." Steve winced and she was brought back to reality, "No..please..Joe." His voice broke and with it her heart did too. She sat up abruptly and her arm began jolting his in an attempt to wake him. He was laying in the fetal position with a mixture of tears and sweat streaming down his face, "No!" his almost-scream echoed through the room.

His scream would have startled her, if only she hadn't heard it before. She had seen him having nightmares before, just like he had seen her being taunted by bad dreams - it had just been a part of the job. "Steve, hey." she uttered firmly and carefully tried to wake him up by jolting his arm as gentle as possible, "You are dreaming. Wake up, Steve."

He began moving slightly, but instead of opening his eyes, he yanked up his arm and before she realized what was going on, the back of his hand had hit her in the face and she could feel a dull pain close to her jawbone. He finally opened his eyes then and the first thing he saw was her, "Cath?" he asked, as his brows knitted slightly in confusion. He rubbed his eyes and opened them again, obviously expecting her to not be there anymore.

"Yeah, it's me. I am here." she assured him gently. It was in that moment, that it all came flooding back. Greer's betrayal, Cole's and Joe's deaths, Catherine's arrival at the ranch. He sat up too, mostly to escape her piercing brown eyes that were looking right through him - as usual. She followered his example and leaned her back against the bedhead. The room was pretty dark, but the moon was spending just enough light for them to make out each other's silhouettes.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his brows still knitted in confusion, when he noticed how her hand was patting her jaw almost as if to check whether something was wrong. He turned his head to the right to be able to look at her and realized that he hadn't once asked whether she was okay since her arrival.

"Nah." she shrugged and waved her hand as a sign of dismissal. The answer didn't seem to satisfy him, so she decided to just tell him the truth, "Uh..before you woke up, you kind of..uh..grazed my jaw." she explained and when she saw his eyes darken with guilt, she added, "Hey, you were sleeping, it happened. I am fine."

"I am sorry." he whispered and painfully closed his eyes. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her in any way and he could no longer hide the tiredness, sadness and the guilt he had managed to cover up before.

"I am fine." she assured him another time, but she could feel a shade of pink creep up her cheeks at his concern regarding her safety. Their eyes locked for a few seconds, "You wanna tell me what happened now?" her voice was barely a whisper.

He nodded, but didn't say anything for several minutes after that. When he finally started talking, she just listened. He told her everything that had happened in the last 72 hours; how Joe had told him someone was coming after his team, his talk with Greer, the combat at the ranch, which explained how battered this place had looked when she had arrived, and Joe's death.

"It was the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen." he whispered, "And he just died right there. In my arms. And the worst thing was that I couldn't do a single thing to help him. I don't think I have ever felt so helpless in my life." She nodded her head understandingly. Steve had always been someone who liked to be in control of everything at all times - it was certainly something that had come with the job - and losing Joe like that, she could very much imagine the immense pressure and guilt he was feeling.

She reached out for his hand, which was resting on the blanket and intertwined her fingers with his. It was a much needed gesture of understanding and support and he leaned his head back against the bedhead. His thumb began absently caressing her hand, filling her with a feeling of warmth that made her nostalgic. He had always made her feel a certain way, it was a sensation that for the love of god, she couldn't find the words to describe. At some point she had forgotten about that certain feeling, but now that it was back, she was sure it would haunt her, as soon as she were to return to her "normal life" - if you could even call the life of a CIA agent normal.

"He had a girlfriend, you know..Zahra." he continued after a while, his eyes were scanning the dark ceiling, before they caught hers, "She was the one. How do I tell her that he is..gone?" He knew it was something that needed to be done, but he still dreaded it. Informing someone about the death of a loved one was a part of his daily life and it was also one of the things he disliked the most about his job, but it was even harder when it was personal.

"I can do it for you." she offered, even though she knew he would negate her offer. He shook his head, just like she had expected, "No. I need to do that myself." It wasn't like Steve to stop, when he was facing a particularly hard task and this was no exception.

"Okay." she agreed softly and squeezed his hand slightly. There was another significant pause and she considered proposing to go back to sleep, but before she could even decide for or against it, Steve's hushed voice preempted her. The pain was so audible in his voice, it sent a shiver down her spine.

"It was my fault." Steve uttered, his eyes were fixed on a random spot on the dark ceiling, "I should have saved him. I should have done-"

"No, Steve, look at me," Catherine interrupted him and placed two fingers on his chin, before gently turning his head and forcing him to look her in the eyes, "You did everything you could have done. You could have never saved him."

A single tear rolled down his cheek, "But what if I could have? He wasn't supposed to die, goddamn it!" Steve replied and went from barely audible whispering to almost yelling. He was tired, sad and angry. Angry with Joe, for leaving him behind, and most importantly angry with himself, because he should have done more. He didn't bother to hide the tears that were now flowing freely down his cheeks.

"I know." she whispered and pulled him into her arms, "I know." His head came to a rest on her shoulder, as he let himself drown in his feelings. He rarely ever did that, but with Catherine it was just different. She understood him in a way nobody else could and somehow she always seemed to know exactly what he needed. For a while they just laid there like that, tangled up in each other's embrace, sharing the pain they were experiencing. Few words were exchanged, until they fell back into a deep sleep, with their hands still intertwined.


	3. Chapter 3

_AN: I am sorry for updating so slow. I was really unsatisfied with this story, but I edited the first two chapters a bit...and I think I am going to continue this story after all. So thanks to the loyal readers who waited over two months for this update...and a sweet welcome to all those who are joining this adventure now. Due to the extraordinary situation at the moment, I had a lot of free time at my hands, but unfortunately I will have digital classes from monday onwards, so I probably won't have as much time in the weeks to come. But I will do my best and I hope you still enjoy reading this!  
_

_Stay safe and healthy!_

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**Joe's ranch, Montana, 15****30 hours**

Catherine had arrived at Joe's ranch about a week ago and she had to admit that it had been an emotional rollercoaster for her - though she hadn't really expected anything else. She had been surprised, when Steve had called her instead of Danny or anybody else of his ohana back in Hawai'i, but nonetheless she was happy that he did. They had always had an understanding of one another and she was glad that even after everything that happened, he still trusted..and needed her.

Her heart ached for Steve, as she watched him wash the blood off his hands, before taking a seat on the edge of the horse trough. Standing in the kitchen or at least what used to be the kitchen and was now marked by lots of bullet holes, telling a story neither of them would ever be able to forget, she watched him stare into the distant with empty eyes. Steve was definitely the strongest man she had ever met, but he had to endure so much pain already and he just derserved to be happy. He had lost both his parents, his aunt and now life took Joe away from him, too. The person that was like a second father to Steve, the only person that could give him some stability and a family of sorts after his mother had faked her death and his father had sent him away.

At the same time, she felt a pain in her chest, whenever she thought about Joe. She had only met the man a few times, but she always admired him for the way he looked out for Steve. Catherine had liked him from the beginning. However, a part of her couldn't help but feel glad that Steve was the one who survived the attacks on his former SEAL-team. She hated herself a little bit for thinking that way, because it was selfish and she knew it. But even after all this time, she still cared so deeply about the well-built man that was sitting on the horse trough.

In the course of the week, they had spend basically every waking minute searching for the men behind this and they were getting closer, she could feel it in her finger tips. They barely talked about their feelings, as soon as the sun rised. However, at night, it was different. He often woke up during the night, bathed in sweat and breathing heavily. His sleep has been taunted by horrible nightmares. Most of them brought him right back to the day Joe died. Other times he saw Catherine or Danny take the bullet for him.

Some nights he eventually started talking about his dreams, about what had happened, and other nights he just enjoyed her presence or asked her how she was doing. She told him about her parents, about her brothers, about work. Most nights their hands would intertwine at some part of the conversation and they would often fall back asleep that way.

"Hey." he said quietly, trying not to startle her, because she seemed pretty caught up in her thoughts. He stopped in the doorframe, while she was still leaning against the kitchen sink.

"Hey." she replied, hurrily wiping away the tears she didn't even notice she had been shedding, before turning to look at him, "You okay?"she asked, hoping that he hadn't noticed, but of course her prayers were unheard - she could see it in his eyes. It was a cloudy day and the lights were off, but she was still able to make out any change in his facial expression.

Before she could protest, he had pulled her in for a hug and was now slowly wrapping his arms around her in both; a soothing and a protective manner. She felt safer than she had in a long time, so she just let it be. She rested her head against his torso, listening to the soft pounding of his heart, while her arms were wrapped around his back, automatically pulling him even closer.

He took in that to him still so familiar scent of vanilla and lavendel, when he buried his face in her hair, after placing a soft kiss on her head. Whenever she was close, all his pain and sorrow seemed to fade away and he felt like he could breath again. They just stood there like that for minutes and he could feel the wet stain in his tee grow, as she was silently crying, but he didn't mind it all.

"Hey, what is it?" he mumbled into her hair, before pressing another kiss on her head and carefully bringing some distance between them to look her in the eyes.

"I.." she trailed off, as his hand let go off her shoulder and his thumb started wiping away the tears. She could feel a familiar warmth creep up her cheeks, as the soft tip of his thumb drew little crescents under her eyes and his blue eyes stared into hers with an intensity that made her feel like she was on high voltage. "I am just so glad you are okay." she whispered and watched his lips part to curve into a smile. It was the first real smile of his, since she had arrived and a part of her felt really proud to be the one to have made him smile like that, "I am sorry, oh god..I-"

"Stop, hey, stop. Come on, you have got nothing to apologize for." he interrupted her softly, "I mean how often have you seen me cry since you came here, huh?" he added teasingly and that managed to raise a chuckle from Catherine. "Come here." he said and pulled her in for another hug, "It's gonna be okay. We are going to be okay."

It was in that moment that she asked herself how in hell she could have ever let him go. She knew it had wrecked him when she had left, but somehow he had found it in his heart to forgive her and he still treated her with the same love and respect as always.

"You want some coffee?" she asked then, when he carefully let go of her again.

"Sure." he replied and watched her pour the freshly brewed coffee into two cups, before adding butter to his cup, "You are still doing that, right?" she asked, no longer able to repress her smile.

"There is no reason to ever stop doing it." he replied and brought the cup to his mouth, inhaling the hot steam, before carefully taking a few sips. The chinaware warmed his cold hands and a feeling of comfortableness began settling in his stomach. It was one of those moments, where the reason for their joined mission was forgotten and it was just them.

"Wait..is it snowing?" Catherine exclaimed suddenly, almost dropping her cup in surprise. He followed her gaze and it was indeed snowing. "Oh my god." she exclaimed, almost equally excited as a little kid would be. In two seconds she was standing by the window with big eyes, watching the snowflakes fall from the cloudy sky.

He couldn't help the amused smile that was playing upon his lips at her reaction, "What's going on? Am I in an alternative universe?" he asked and shook his head as if trying to get back to his reality.

She gave him a soft punch against the shoulder. "Hey." he uttered and pretended to be hurt, whilst biting his lower lip to keep himself from smiling. He took another sip from his coffee cup and watched her quietly. She was standing at the window silk with glowing eyes, a soft smile was plastered on her face. Her face and body were completely relaxed as he tried his hardest to pinpoint the last time he had seen her like that. It might have been a few days before she got that first call from Amir or maybe even around the time of Kono's wedding, where she had returned for a short time. Either way, seeing her this way always helped him relax too. He felt like a weight was being lifted off his shoulders and he could finally take deeper breaths again.

"The first time I saw snow was when I was four." she suddenly spoke up and broke his train of thought, "It's one of my first memories..it was shortly after we had moved from Hawai'i to Washington, you know, because of my dad.." she trailed off and saw him nod slightly from the corner of her eye.

"I was so sad, because I loved Hawai'i. It had been warm and my dad had been there most of the time." she continued after a while, her eyes somewhat glassy, "So in our first night, my dad woke me up to show me the snow. I had never seen snow before..but it was magical." Her heart suddenly felt a lot heavier in her chest, as she remembered one of the memories she held the dearest. She hadn't thought about it in a long time, hell, she hadn't talked to her dad nor her mom in weeks.

"You should just call them." Steve whispered and she turned her head around abruptly. He had always been pretty good at reading her, but after all this time, she just didn't expect that he was still_ this_ good at it.

"How can you still do that?" she asked in the same hushed voice he had used before, even though there was absolutely no reason for them to whisper. The closest human being was at least a mile away.

"I guess some things just never change." he replied with a slight shrug of his shoulders, before his lips curved up; an honest smile was plastered on his face.

"I guess.." she whispered and her lips parted to curve into a smile, "I am really glad about that." she admitted and locked her eyes with his. There laid something undefinable in his eyes, something she didn't dare to analyse further, something that he made her heart thumb against her ribcage in a much faster manner.

"I am too."

It was true, some, though very few, things would never change. The nature of their relationship had changed quite a few times within 20 years of knowing each other, but they had never stopped caring about each other. They always stayed friends, they always had each other's backs. And both of them knew that no matter what life had in store for them in the future, that would never change.


	4. Chapter 4

_AN: If you have also read or are also reading "Let's Hurt Tonight" (another McRoll story of mine), you might have noticed that this is pretty much the same as one of the scenes in that story. That wasn't planned or anything like that and this story is going to go into another direction, but I just liked it..so why not use it for both stories. Enjoy!  
_

* * *

**Three weeks later: Joe's ranch, Montana, 31st December 2018**

"So, what do you wanna watch?" Steve asked, when she returned to the livingroom with two beers.

"You are really letting me choose?" she asked, she looked almost stunned. She let herself fall back onto the couch and handed him one of the beers, which he accepted gratefully. In the past three weeks they have been looking for a way to avenge Joe's death and to find Greer. A few days ago, they had managed to find and capture Hassan's lawyer and even though he hadn't started talking yet, it was the closest they had gotten to finding Hassan and or Greer. They have been working on a bare minimum of sleep, but they were both more than willing to make that sacrifice. But today, or at least for a few hours, they would rest and regain some of their strength.

"As long as we are not gonna watch the Notebook again, then yes, I am letting you choose." he replied and a grin broke on his face - something she hasn't seen that often lately. Though it felt weird to celebrate something in a time like this, she knew how important it would be for the both of them. And seeing him smile like that just strengthend that presumption.

"Oh come on, that movie isn't that bad. It's romantic." she argued. She had made him watch it about 6 years ago and she was kind of surprised that he still remembered it. For the fraction of a second her smile faltered and she asked herself how she could have ever let him go.

"Well, if you say so." he said with a chuckle, as he remembered the many times she had made him watch romantic movies. Obviously he couldn't name most of them, but somehow the Notebook had stuck with him. It wasn't even that he found that the movie was particularly bad, he just liked teasing her about it.

"What do you think about an epsiode of friends?" she suggested finally, because she was actually a big fan of that show. She used to watch it every thursday with her brothers' - it was one of her favorite memories from her childhood.

"Sure." he agreed, because he actually liked that series too and they could definitely use something to cheer up a bit.

Just like one of these nights about 6 years ago, their shoulders were touching and with his arm on the armrest behind her, she was almost laying in his arms. She successfully convinced herself that it was totally okay and normal to seek closeness in a time like this. And it wasn't like this was the first time they were so close to one another. In her first night here, and in several following ones, Steve had woken up sweaty - his sleep has been plagued by terrible nightmares. Either she woke up too or was still awake, because despite being exhausted her mind just wouldn't shut up and let her sleep. However, they usually talked for a bit then, before they fell back to sleep - most of the time with their hands intertwined.

Three episodes in it was almost midnight, so they counted down the last few seconds to the new year. They clinked their beers and hugged, wishing each other a "happy new year". It sounded somewhat ironic, considering their situation, but in that moment it felt like maybe everything could be okay again - at some point in the future. When they entangled from one another, their eyes locked and one of their many conversations without speaking actual words took place.

Their eyes met and he understood the silent promise she was making. It was the same promise she had made in her first night here. They would find Greer. Together. And she would stay as long as finding her would take. As long as he needed her. He nodded slightly, a gesture of acknowledgement and appreciation. He saw that she wasn't left cold by Joe's death either, he saw the pain behind her eyes. And he was extremely grateful that she was here, with him. She smiled gently. He couldn't imagine having had and continuing to have any other person by his side but her.

He returned the soft smile, when his eyes suddenly fell on her lips. Maybe it was in the heat of the moment, maybe it's been something he has been wanting to do for a long time now, maybe it was even a combination of both, but he suddenly found himself kissing her. His hands were cupping her face as he kissed her with a passion he hadn't felt in a long time.

Without hesistation, as if it was the most natural thing on earth, she kissed him back and opened her mouth to let him brush his tongue against hers, "Steve..we shouldn't..be doing this." she mumbled, when she placed her hand on his torso and carefully put some space between the two of them. She wanted this, she wanted to kiss him, to touch him, to feel him. But she knew she couldn't. She was the one who had put her job over him and as much as she wanted him, she knew it wouldn't be fair to him, because as soon as they found Greer, she would return to being an agent with the CIA.

"I don't care." he breathed, as if he could read her mind. His finger tips began tracing the features of her face - just the way he had done it when they were still together. Her skin was soft and she looked so unbelievably beautiful in that moment. When she didn't object, he slowly leaned in again and placed a soft kiss on her lips and then on her neck and cleavage, "Do you want me to stop?" he mumbled, even though he knew it wasn't exactly fair. He still knew her well enough to be able to tell that she didn't want him to stop, quite the contrary actually.

Every fiber of her being craved to be touched by him. Being an undercover agent for the CIA didn't exactly help her sex life, but it was more than that. She wanted him. Him and not anybody else. "No." she whispered shakily and this time she was the one to initiate the kiss. It was slow and careful at first, as they were exploring each other's mouths and faces for the first time in a long time. Not much had changed really, they still fit as perfectly as the first day they met. He still tasted of peppermint, she still tasted of coffee and something else, which he had always found difficult to define.

He smiled into the kiss, when she pulled him closer by pulling his shirt. It was only a matter of seconds until Steve was laying on top off her and they were kissing each other passionately again. He couldn't help the moan from escaping his mouth, as her hands seemed to touch him everywhere all at once. He felt completely consumed by the kiss - something he had only felt once before: with her. The friends episode, where Rachel had just found out that Ross was in love with her by accident, was long forgotten, as they hurriedly freed each other of their clothes.


	5. Chapter 5

_AN: I am sorry, once again, for not uploading a new chapter in over a month, but I wanted to finish my other story first and then I kind of took a break from writing for 2 or 3 weeks. I can't really explain why..but since I am graduating next year, I have been back in school for almost 3 weeks now. Despite the pandemic, I still have to do homework and write exams..but I guess I should be lucky that my country has been handling the pandemic quite well and that I am able to go back to school. What about you? Are you guys back in school/back at work?  
_

_Anyway, I hope y'all are doing alright. Please stay safe and healthy. And keep appreciating the small moments. _

* * *

**Joe's ranch, Montana, 0730 hours**

When he woke up a pleasant smell was filling the air around him. It was Catherine's scent: a mixture of vanilla and lavender, and he unconsciously kept his eyes shut for about a minute, just taking it in. He could hear Catherine's soft breathing right next to him, she seemed to still be sound asleep. It was an ordinary morning for him, he had already gotten used to having her around again. Except that this morning wasn't ordinary at all.

He hectically cast open his eyes, when he remembered what had happened last night, but immediately had to close them again, because of the sun that was shining extraordinarily strong for early January. He had slept with Catherine last night. And as special as it had been, he could have punched himself for not being able to resist her. After all, he had known from their first kiss last night that this wasn't going to change anything. But at some point, something deep inside of him had foolishly hoped that maybe it would. And then he had fallen asleep with a peace of mind he hadn't experienced in months, years even. And that was exactly why it was so wrong and so right at the same time.

As careful as possible, he got out of the bed - at some point during the night they had managed to get into bed - collected his clothes from the ground and jumped under the shower. He pressed his forearms against the glass wall and rested his head on them, as he let the cold water patter on his body. But it didn't really help the confusion he was experiencing. Well, it wasn't exactly confusion but rather sadness and anger. He was mostly angry with himself for giving in, for letting his emotions take the upper hand - something that normally was against his nature as a McGarrett and as a soldier.

After the shower, he still didn't feel much better and was now in desperate need of some coffee. As the coffee was brewing, he stood at the window watching the snowed under mountains, thinking about her. He turned around, when he heard a slight cracking behind him, just to find her standing at the kitchen table.

"Hey." she whispered awkwardly and she couldn't help but notice how good he was looking in those grey sweatpants, the white tee and with rumpled hair. Her eyes nervously darted to the ground and back up again and somehow she felt like she was a teenager again, because she didn't remember the last time, apart from her very first time maybe, that she had felt this awkward after having had really amazing sex.

"Morning." he replied softly, "You up for some coffee?"

"Sounds good."

He poured the freshly brewed coffee into two cups and added some butter to his cup, before placing them on the table and sitting down across from her. For a while they were just silently nipping on their coffee cups, as they were both lost in their thoughts.

"So, um, I..uh, about last night." Catherine started, even though she wasn't sure what exactly she wanted to say just yet.

Steve looked up at her and for the fraction of a second, he thought he saw something flicker in her eyes. He waited for her to continue, to say something, anything really, but it seemed that she was at a loss for words. The silence was unusually uncomfortable and at some point he just couldn't take it anymore: "Yeah, um, like I said yesterday evening..I know that this was just a one time thing. It's okay. We can just forget about it."

"Forget about it?"

"Yeah, forget- I mean that is what you want, right?" he asked and searched her face for a tiny shred of doubt.

She nodded slowly, her eyebrows were slightly knitted, before she redirected her focus on him, "Um, I..I guess." she replied.

"Hey, hey, what's going on?" he asked confused, when he saw a small smile erupt on her face.

"I..I was just thinking..um, I mean what were we thinking?"

Even though he absolutely didn't feel like smiling, her grin had always been contagious, "I mean I guess we could blame it on the alcohol. And on you." he joked.

"Me? Hey, what did I do? You kissed me first, remember?" she replied and raised an eyebrow. They both knew that they were equally responsible for what had happened last night, but humor had always worked for the both of them. In any situation really.

"Well, you chose the epsiodes. They were emotional."

"Oh-ho, since when do you admit to being sensitive so openly?" she retorted teasingly.

He just smirked. He should have felt insulted or at least put on a fake hurt impression to keep up their witty banter, but all he could manage to do was grin broadly. And in that moment he looked like he had never been hurt in his life. Like there was no pain or sorrow keeping him up at night. Seeing him like this, she could feel her heart break in her chest.

She cleared her throat, "What are you so smily about, huh? You do realize that that was meant as an insult, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I just..remembered the last time we talked about how sleeping together ruined our friendship. You know, when you came to Hawai'i to enlist my help to capture a terrorist and-"

"Yeah, Steve, I remember." It was definitely not something she would forget anytime soon. Or ever. "We have always been good at being friends." she admitted, guessing that that was where this conversation was headed.

"Yeah, I am mean look at us, we are great as friends, aren't we?"

The funny thing was that they were actually really good at being friends. They had always had an understanding of one another, they had always shared a connection very few people understood. "We are. And we have always been. Not that we aren't great together..in that way..too.." she trailed off, because his grin was somewhat confusing her, "Uhm..uh," she stumbled, the smirk was still plastered on his face, as he encouraged her to go on with a slight nod of his head, "We, uh, just let..our emotions take the upper hand. It happens. It's okay."

He nodded slightly and his beaming smile disappeared. "Yeah, right. We are adults, we can get over it." he replied and scanned her face, but somehow he couldn't read her. This was one of the very few times that for the sake of him, he just couldn't figure out if she actually meant the words she was saying.

"Sure we can."

"To maturity." he quipped and watched a big smile erupt on her face. She remembered, too.

"To maturity." They high-fived and emptied their coffee cups in silence.

* * *

After they had finished their small breakfast, everything happened really fast. They resumed questioning or rather torturing Hassan's lawyer, as they were trying to find some kind of soft spot that would get them answers as soon as possible. Just a few days later, Danny showed up and they finally got the answers they had been looking for and they flew to Laos. They barely had had a minute to think about what had happened, let alone did they have time to talk about it. But it was for the best probably. Finally, they managed to find Greer. Greer was dead now and even though he felt a little bit responsible for everything that had happened, he was just glad that it was finally over. The only thing he wasn't happy about was saying goodbye to Catherine. Again. But here they were. Saying goodbye.

"Hey." he said, when he heard Catherine approach.

"Hey."

"So what's next for you?"

"Ah, back to the grind. You know, protecting the homeland. Chasing bad guys. Yada yada yada." she told him with the hint of a smile on her lips. She had always been proud of doing what she did. It was what they both did really. Protecting the homeland. Chasing bad guys. That had always been number one on their priority list.

"Thank you so much, Catherine. I..we couldn't have pulled this off without you." And he didn't just mean that she had helped them, him, avenge Joe's death. He also meant that he couldn't have pulled off any of this without her constant emotional support. She had stood by his side in a very dark chapter of his life. She had held him in the night and she had helped him clear his head or see things from another perspective during the day. Long story short: she had his back like she always had. And he didn't know how he could ever repay her for that.

"He was a great man, Steve. We both owe him a lot." she replied. She had always admired Joe for the way he had cared for and looked out after Steve.

"You still don't know, huh?"

"What do you mean?"

"Joe wasn't just my mentor, a father figure. He brought you into my life, Catherine." he replied and he felt a slight sting in his heart, as he remembered the words Joe had said to him just minutes before he had been fatally injured.

"How's that?" she asked, so he told her about the time he had almost died in Afghanistan and how Joe had made him promise to ask Catherine out, if they were to make it out alive. And that's what he had done. He chuckled, when he remembered how he had left her speechless, when he had asked her to accompany him to the Army-Navy Gala. As his date, of course.

"I am really glad you took his advice." she confessed with teary eyes. If it hadn't been for Joe, Steve probably would have never mustered up the courage to actually ask her out. And even though they were no longer together, she didn't regret a single minute she had spent with him. She was just glad that for once in his life, he had actually listened to Joe's wise words.

"I am too."

She sniffed and wrapped her arms around him. Even though she knew in her head that she was making the right decision, her heart didn't really seem to agree with that decision.

"You take care of yourself, okay?" she said, as she loosened her grip on him.

"You too, kid." he replied with the hint of a smile and she just nodded slightly, before she started making her way to the car. He couldn't believe that he was watching her walk away yet again.

Halfway there, she called after him: "Hey. Till next time." She made the shaka sign and he responded with the same motion of his hand. She really hoped that he would be okay. And she really hoped that they would see each other again. A part of her, somewhere deep down inside of her, actually believed that they would one day find their way back to each other. It was just a matter of when.

With knitted eyebrows he watched her get into the car and drive off. And just like that she was gone again. Puff. Gone. But somehow he could still feel her presence, because she had left more marks on him than anybody else ever had - and he didn't even mean that in a bad way. Over the years she had just become a huge part of who he was. And even though that hurt sometimes, he still felt lucky to have been loved by her.

* * *

**McGarrett residence, 2100 hours  
**

A few hours later, Steve returned to an empty house with a broken heart. Gutches' words were still ringing in his ear and he sighed deeply. It was a sigh of relief and exhaustion. Joe was proud of him. That was what Gutches had said and he really hoped that those words were true. And then there was Catherine. Even though he still felt her everywhere, he also felt her absence more strongly than ever before. After all they had basically spent every minute together in the past month.

Luckily, the exhaustion in his bones got him to lay down on the couch and prevented him from overthinking, as he immediately fell asleep. It wasn't until mere hours later that he was awaken by a sharp knock on his door. He groaned, but kept his eyes closed in the hope that whoever was standing in front of his door would sooner rather than later disappear.

But soon enough it was followed by another knock and then another one. He sighed, when he realized that whoever was standing in front of his door - he was guessing that it was Danny - wasn't gonna go away that easily. Steve muffled a yawn, before opening the door in one swift move. But it wasn't Danny, who was standing there on his door step, with his hair soaked wet and a slip of paper in his hand that he immediately recognized.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	6. Chapter 6

_A few hours later, Steve returned to an empty house with a broken heart. Gutches' words were still ringing in his ear and he sighed deeply. It was a sigh of relief and exhaustion. Joe was proud of him. That was what Gutches had said and he really hoped that those words were true. And then there was Catherine. Even though he still felt her everywhere, he also felt her absence more strongly than ever before. After all they had basically spent every minute together in the past month._

_Luckily, the exhaustion in his bones got him to lay down on the couch and prevented him from overthinking, as he immediately fell asleep. It wasn't until mere hours later that he was awaken by a sharp knock on his door. He groaned, but kept his eyes closed in the hope that whoever was standing in front of his door would sooner rather than later disappear._

_But soon enough it was followed by another knock and then another one. He sighed, when he realized that whoever was standing in front of his door - he was guessing that it was Danny - wasn't gonna go away that easily. Steve muffled a yawn, switched on the lights and opened the door in one swift move...  
_

**McGarrett residence, 0200 hours**

When he opened the door, a raging storm greeted him and he wondered how the hell he could have slept through that. The wind was wailing and it was raining cats and dogs. And yet, there she was, standing on his doorstep in the middle of the night. Her wet clothes were hugging her fine figure and somehow the wet hair paired with this undefinable look in her eyes made her look extremely sexy. Honestly, to him, she always looked sexy. Even if her hair was all messed up in the morning or when she was wearing sweatpants. But in that moment, with her soaking wet clothes sticking to her body and this confused, but somehow passionate and wild look in her eyes, she took his breath away.

"Catherine." he breathed, as if he couldn't believe his eyes. She had come back.

"What's this, Steve?" she asked, holding up the paper with her right hand. She wasn't bothering to greet him properly, since it was no use to beat around the bush. There was no way back now anyway. She felt like she had just jumped into a cold pool of water - and not just because of her wet clothes.

"Well, I think you know what it is, because you wouldn't be here if you didn't." he replied almost teasingly, but when she answered with a warning "Steve.", he realized that this wasn't the time to make jokes. "Yeah, uh, sorry, don't you want to come in? You must be freezing." Even though it was quite warm outside, the wind was pretty harsh and in combination with the wet clothes it probably wasn't that cosy.

"What I want is for you to explain to me what this is." she replied with a determinedness in her voice that left very little room for any objections. She was clutching so hard onto the piece of paper that it was already crumbling in her hand.

He sighed. "What do you wanna hear from me Catherine?"

"Did you mean what you wrote?"

"How-how can you even question that?" he asked, crossing his arms in front of his body. He couldn't believe that she doubted even for a second that he didn't mean every single word he had written.

"I am sorry, I.."

His features softened. "Please come in, Cath. I don't want you to get sick." She eyed him, seemingly considering her two options and finally, she decided to take him up on his offer. She was stubborn, but she also wanted answers and clarity and she knew that neither of those things would come quickly or easily.

"Do you want dry clothes? I think I got something that might fit-"

"A towel would be fine, thank you." she replied and let herself fall onto the couch, while he hastily made his way to the bathroom to get her a towel. She sighed deeply, as she let her eyes wander around the room. A feeling of comfort immediately began to settle in her chest, as she recognized the place she had once referred to as home. He softly wrapped the towel around her slim body and sat down a few inches away from her on the couch. She thanked him with a small nod.

For a while they just sat in silence, waiting for the other one to speak up and iniate the conversation both of them knew was no longer evitable. There was no way back now and they both knew it. Steve rubbed the hair at the back of his neck. He was trying to find the right words, but as always when it came to conversations concerning his feelings, he felt like his head was empty.

Finally, she began unfolding the piece of paper she was still holding in her hand. She scanned it briefly and skipped to the part that seemed to be most important right now. The part that had made her take a flight to Hawai'i instead of Germany in the very last minute. "I promised Joe to not make the same mistake he made. The same mistake my parents made. I always put the job above everything else. I waited too long to tell you how I felt and I never really fought for you to stay. I already made those mistakes, but I still got time to fix them. And I want to, because of all the things I did, these two are the ones I regret the most." she started reading it out loud and trailed off, when she locked her eyes with his. His intense blue eyes were starring into hers, making her heart jump nervously in her chest. "Where is all of this coming from now, Steve? You said that...what happened on New Years Eve was a mistake. What happened? Did something change or..?" she asked.

There was no way back now. "Yes and no." he started, struggling to find the right words, "I lied to protect our friendship..and myself, because I was so sure that..our night..wouldn't change anything for you." Steve explained. Something had changed after that night. For him. And deep down he knew that it had changed something for the both of them. He could no longer push all of these thoughts concerning his relationship with Catherine into the back of his head. Joe had made sure of that; the words he had spoken shortly before his death had kept ringing in Steve's ear. And somehow he knew that in that moment, Joe was indeed proud of him. However, he had thought long and hard about how he would tell her and in the end he had decided to just slip a letter into her backpack. "I was a coward and I am sorry..but I was just afraid..of losing you..this..us..I guess."

She smiled softly, "You know, sailor, I don't think you will ever get rid of me."

"And why is that?"

"I guess..on some level we just belong together you know? Even when we were not together, we were still friends. We have always had each other's backs. So, yeah, I don't think you will ever get rid of me again." she told him with absolute conviction. Over the years she had met many people, she had been with many different people, but Steve had been more or less the only constant in her life. He had broken her heart before and she had broken his, too. But somehow they always found their way back to each other. And somehow she had always thought that no matter what the future held in store for them, they would always stay that way. "God, that sounded incredibly cheesy, didn't it?" she asked and blushed, "See what you are doing to me?" She hit him playfully against the shoulder and watched as a huge grin broke on his face.

"Oh, so I am stuck with you, huh?"

"I believe you are, sailor, I believe you are." she mumbled and their eyes locked again, they were both wearing soft smiles on their lips now. He really really liked that.

The storm had ceased and the only thing they could hear now was the soft pitter-patter of the rain. When a small drop of water rolled down her cheek - it must have come from her still wet hair - his hand instinctively reached out to wipe it away. "I love you, Cath." he whispered. This was the very first time he was telling her those magical three words in person and for god's sake she could feel the butterflies fly like crazy in her stomach. "And if you-" he continued, but Catherine shut him up by placing her lips on his. Her lips softly brushed his, it was merely a short and sweet kiss. His hand was still caressing her cheek and when they parted, they were both grinning from ear to ear. She was starring so deeply into his eyes, he felt like he was losing himself in her chocolate brown eyes. He found he had never seen such beautiful eyes as hers.

"You know, I think that you might-"

"I love you, too, idiot." she mumbled and his smile grew even wider. It filled her with so much hope, love and light and in that moment all the bad things she had seen in her life only seemed half as bad. The weight of the world that she tended to carry on her shoulders suddenly was gone and she felt totally at peace - a feeling she hadn't experienced in a really really long time.

"You like interrupting me today, huh?" he asked teasingly and she just chuckled, before their lips met for another kiss. This time it was a lot more passionate, as their tongues were dancing with ease. Within seconds, he was laying on top of her on the couch and as her body was pressed against his, her clothes were leaving wet stains on his behind. But he couldn't care less. "I love you." he mumbled in between the kisses, as she was trembling in his embrace. It almost looked like they were lovers reuniting at last. And maybe that was exactly what they were.

* * *

When she woke up the next morning, she felt sensationally wonderful. The clock at the bedside told her it was 9 am, which was unusually late for her, but she wasn't complaining. The salty smell of sweat mixed with Steve's cologne and her own perfum was dangling in the air. Somehow these smells combined created a whole new, fascinating smelling, scent. It was just like them really. Together they had created something incredible; a friendship, a relationship, a deep understanding of each other's souls. She smiled to herself, as she listened to the waves crashing in the distance. She was at home. This house, this room, this man had always been her home.

She made her way downstairs and found him preparing breakfast in the kitchen. He skillfully flipped the pancakes, while his body moved slightly to the soft music that was played over the radio. "Good morning." she whispered.

"Morning." he said, as he turned around to face her. He watched a soft chuckle escape her mouth, "What?" he asked curiously.

She walked up to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, "Nothing..I just..I could absolutely get used to this, you know." she replied and he nodded with a soft smile on his lips. He felt the same way.

"I am glad." he whispered and placed a kiss on her lips, "Have you slept well?"

"I have, thank you, Mister." she replied almost jokingly, even though it was definitely true. She didn't remember the last time she had slept until 0900 hours nor the last time she had slept this well, which definitely had something to do with their late night activities. He just smirked at her, before he resumed his sunday morning cooking. She just watched him master yet another task, namely making what seemed to be extremely fluffy pancakes. She bid her upper lip, as she found herself starring at the man in front of her. He was still as attractive as he had been 10 or even 20 years ago and he had proven to her last night that he was still just as fit.

"You know I am not complaining when you are looking at me like that," he smirked and pressed another kiss on her lips, "but if we actually wanna eat these while they are still warm.." he trailed off, when he felt her cold hands touching his bare skin under his shirt. She was barely touching him, as her fingercups were lightly tracing along his features, leaving him with heavy goosebumps.

"I don't think you want me to stop." she whispered seductively and placed another hot kiss on his lips. He shook his head, because she had rendered him speechless and she just grinned satisfied, before turning away to grab two plates out of the dishwasher.

He scoffed, "That's how you wanna play it, huh, Lieutenant?" he asked teasingly.

She gave him the most innocent smile she had to offer, "I have no idea what you are talking about." she told him and shrugged her shoulders, before she made her way outside onto the lanai. He just shook his head at her, but he couldn't really repress his smile either. He was totally and utterly in love with this woman and this was just one of the many reasons why.

He grabbed a bottle of whipped cream, followed her outside and they sat down at the wooden table. It was a warm, but not yet muggy, sunday morning. The birds were zierping happily and the ocean was glistering in the morning sun light. They ate mostly in silence, as they enjoyed the calm morning in each other's presence. She let her eyes gaze into the distance. She felt the sudden urge to just jump into the water; it was incredibly appealing.

Catherine turned her head back to face him and searched for his eyes. Somehow, he immediately noticed that something was on her mind, "Steve, I-I got to go back." she told him quietly, almost anxiously.

"What?" he asked and felt all color drain from his face.

"I mean, my contract is ending in three months..and I have to go back and finish this last assignment." she clarified her previous statement, realizing that it might have come off totally wrong in the beginning.

"Catherine, you know you don't have to..I mean we can-" he argued, desperately trying to find the right words. His eyebrows raised, as she had just dropped a major bomb on him and he was still trying to understand what excatly she had told him, and they furrowed when the realisation slowly sank in. He knew that getting out of a contract with the CIA early was anything but easy, it was actually nearly impossible, but deep down he also knew that even if she could, she wouldn't wanna do it anyway.

"Steve, hey, you know that I would much rather stay here too, but I need..and want to finish this the right way, okay?" she explained and hoped that he would understand. There was nothing she would rather do than this - sleeping in late, having breakfast on the porch and just spending time with him - but she wanted to finish what she had started almost 5 years ago. It was just who she was.

He exhaled deeply, as his gaze shifted towards the turquoise ocean, "Yeah..yeah..I get that Cath.." he whispered finally, as he turned his head back to be able to look at her. He probably would have made the same decision, if the roles were reversed. It was just who they were. They were soldiers, they were patriots and they finished the tasks they had started, as long as they still recognized them as useful and right. "Just promise me.." His voice broke.

"I promise to be careful, alright? I will be careful." she replied and somehow this conversation reminded him way too much of the time she had stayed behind in Afghanistan. And he didn't like that comparison at all.

He turned around to look at her, "I love you, you know." he whispered the same words he had said back then.

The corners of her mouth twitched, "I love you too, Steve." she replied with the same softness. She took his hand into hers, "It's gonna be alright, okay? I will be back before you know it. It's gonna be alright."

* * *

_AN: Sorry yet again for taking so long to update this story..but corona isn't spreading as fast as it did in the past months here in my country and it's finally summer, so I am trying to spend as much time with my friends as possible and enjoy that while it lasts. __Anyway, I have conducted some research, but I couldn't really find out whether the CIA works with contracts or whatever else there is..so I hope this is at least not totally wrong - if so (or if you know more about this) than please let me know!_

_I just read this interview with Michelle Borth..and honestly I think it's really important that she is speaking up about her experiences with mental illness. I think it's important that we remind ourselves and each other that it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to ask for help. We all need help sometimes. And we need to break this stigma. Please always be kind to yourself (and to others)! And if you ever need someone to talk to you, or just someone to listen, you can always dm me. _


	7. Chapter 7

_AN: Last chapter..here we go! I am not 100% satisfied with this chapter..there is just something about it that bugs me. However, I hope you like it. And t__hank y'all for your sweet reviews. Thank you for encouraging me to keep going and to actually finish this story. If it weren't for your reviews (and your interest in this story) I don't know whether I would have ever finished it. So...thank you!  
_

_Please stay safe and healthy and remember to look after yourself and others. Be kind._

* * *

**Five-O headquarters, 10th march, 1730 hours  
**

Steve was just finishing up the paperwork for the day, when his phone rang. It was a call from an unknown number and he was kind of hoping that they were going to be assigned to a case, because a new case would mean he could distract himself from other things. Like his birthday. Or the fact that Catherine was somewhere out there and he only got to talk to her maybe once a week or once in two or three weeks. "Hello?"

"Hey sailor." her soft voice sounded through his phone. Just hearing her voice was enough to make him smile.

"Catherine!" he exclaimed happily and put the pen down. He hadn't heard from her in two weeks and he had been so worried that he had barely eaten a thing, "Are you okay?"

"I am fine, Steve, really." she assured him, "Even though I hate not being able to hug you today. Happy birthday by the way, Steve."

"Thanks." he chuckled and leaned back into his office chair, "And, uh, you know, I can think of a few ways you can make that up to me."

She involuntarily grinned at his statement. They were definitely going to make up for the lost time. "3 more weeks, then I will be back." she told him.

"I am already counting down the days." he replied and heard her chuckle at the other end of the line. 3 weeks. 21 days. Somehow that seemed to be soon, but definitely not soon enough. Honestly, the day she would return could never come soon enough.

"So..tell me what are you doing today?" she asked, as she was staring at the dark ceiling, the sat phone in her right hand.

"Ah..you know, nothing out of the ordinary. We aren't working a case at the moment, so I am pretty much just doing boring paperwork." he told her and let his eyes gaze over the bullpen and his colleagues' offices. Danny and Tani were still in their offices, but he couldn't spot the rest of his team, "I think the team wanted to invite me for drinks later."

"That sounds nice." she replied and found herself wishing she was there now with him and their ohana. Especially after the day she had had.

He hummed softly. He really appreciated his friends' attempts to make his birthday at least a tiny little bit special. "What about you?"

"You know that's classified, Steve." she replied and laughed softly. Of course he knew that. That wasn't why he had asked. "I am fine." she added, trying to reassure him once again that she was indeed okay. However, part of her knew that it was no use. There was nothing she could say that would make him stop worrying. And honestly, she didn't want that anyway. "Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"Take the evening off, okay? Go out and celebrate your birthday with your friends." she said, hoping that he would take her words to heart. She knew he didn't really feel the need to celebrate his birthday and he often pretended that he didn't really care about it, but deep down he always enjoyed spending time with his friends. And she also knew that especially right now, with him constantly worrying about her, he needed the distraction.

"Don't worry about me, Cath, I am fine." he replied, even though he really liked it, when she looked out for him and reminded him to choose himself over the job every once in a while, "I love you."

"I love you, too." she whispered into the sat phone, "We will catch up in a few days okay?"

"Please be careful." he said quietly.

"I will be. I promise. And you enjoy your evening, okay?"

"I promise." he echoed and her soft chuckle was the last thing he heard before the call disconnected.

* * *

**1 month later, McGarrett residence, 1800 hours**

3 months had passed since Catherine had left again and she was supposed to come home any day now. That's what she had told him over the phone one week ago, but he hadn't heard from her ever since. In the past three months he had buried himself in work, trying his hardest to escape his mind and that one horrific thought that he just couldn't let go. What if she didn't make it? What if something happened to her? They were so close to finally getting their happy end. No matter what he did, he just couldn't get rid of that bad feeling in his stomach. Steve was pacing up and down in his livingroom, deeply lost in his thoughts when a sharp knock on the door brought him back to reality.

His face automatically lit up, because there was a good possibility that Catherine was standing in front of his door, but when he opened it, he found Danny standing on his doorstep. Unintentionally, Steve's smile elapsed, causing Danny to scoff. He made a face, "Hey, I know I am not Catherine, but you could at least pretend to be happy to see me." Danny stated and slipped inside, without waiting for Steve's approval.

"Yeah, sure come in." Steve replied and shut the door behind him. Demonstratively, Danny let himself fall onto the couch and opened the beer Steve had placed on the couch table for himself, but had totally forgotten about. He then took a sip, all while watching Steve very closely.

"What do you want?" Steve asked and he couldn't hide the annoyance that was reasonating in his voice.

"I want to check on you, okay? That's what a best friend does." Danny explained, before he took another sip from his beer, "I know you are worried Steve, but hey, she is gonna be fine. Catherine is tough as hell. And she will be back soon." Danny told him. Steve had been putting on a brave face in the past few months, just like he always did, but Danny looked right through his best friend's act.

Steve hummed, but his eyes told Danny that he was far away right now. Steve had been like that a lot, especially in that past few days. And if Danny was honest with himself, he didn't blame the man. Steve had lost almost every single person he had ever loved, fighting for their country, and he couldn't stand just the thought of losing yet another person he loved. Especially not when it was Catherine.

However, Danny also had to admit that at first he hadn't been entirely convinced of this whole arrangement Steve and Cath had. After all, Catherine had once before told Steve that she would come back and then she had started working for the CIA. But after having - accidently of course - eavesdropped on one of their late night phone calls, he had been convinced. There was just something about the way they had talked to one another, so softly and lovingly, that Danny no longer could nor would believe that Catherine was gonna choose her job over Steve once again.

"Steve, honey, would you please sit down? You are driving me and yourself crazy with this crazy walking." Danny piped up again and hovered his arms through the air in an attempt to emphasize his words.

"Do I have to remind you that we are in my house?" Steve rolled his eyes, but a small smile broke on his face nonetheless.

"Oh would you look at that. You are smiling. Well, that's a start." Danny said teasingly, as a huge grin was playing upon his lips. "Steve, please, sit down. Come on. I am your friend. Let's talk."

"There is nothing to talk about, Danny. I am-" Steve started, but he got interrupted by the doorbell. Steve sighed, as he tried to remember himself that it probably wasn't Catherine that was standing on the other side of the door. It was probably just Lou or Junior, who were checking up on him in the same way Danny wanted to check up on him.

Steve opened the door and this time around, his face lit up when he saw who was standing on his doorstep. She was wearing black jeans, a black tee and a checkered blouse, which was tight around her waist. Her dark hair was loosely tight into a ponytail, which was swept over her left shoulder. It really was Catherine. His Catherine. And she looked so good. A black dufflebag was resting on the porch right next to her feet, confirming that she really was coming home.

Their eyes met. Chocolate brown clashed with oceanic green blue. And suddenly their eyes were sparkling in the way eyes sparkle when you catch sight of something you love or when you talk about something you love.

"Oh my god, Cath." he exclaimed and pulled her into his embrace, inhaling her unique scent. She was back. She was safe now. He was holding her right in his arms.

"I guess I should have called, but I wanted to surprise you and.." she trailed off, because it didn't seem to matter right now. She wrapped her arms tightly around him and couldn't help the huge smile on her face, because she was so extremely glad to finally be home again. To finally be able to hug him again. They had spent quite some time apart, even when they had been dating, but these past three months had been particularly hard.

"Are you okay?" he asked and brought some distance between them to be able to check out her injuries. She had a few bruises on her chin and arms, but other than that he couldn't make out any visual injuries. She was okay. She really was okay.

"I am, Steve. Really, I am fine." she assured him with a soft smile, but she had to admit that she felt quite smitten by his concern.

He searched for her eyes, hoping to find some kind of assurance that she was indeed fine, when she leaned in and pressed her lips against his. With her arms around his neck she pulled him closer, as their tongues were dancing effortlessly. They tried to pour all their feelings into the kiss; the angst, the love, the heartache and finally the happiness that they were feeling now that they were finally reunited.

"Okay okay guys, I get it. You haven't seen each other in 3 months, but I am still here." Danny piped up, causing Steve and Catherine to break up their mini make-out session. Both of them were grinning widely, as Catherine wiped away some lipstick residue from the corner of his lips with her thumb. Steve blushed a little. "Well, I am heading out now, because I am not sure how much longer you two will be able to keep your hands to yourself." Danny added, when Steve put his arm around Catherine's waist, because he wasn't quite ready to let go of her again. Even though Steve and Catherine normally didn't broadcast their relationship nor did they often rely on public display of affection, right now, Steve just needed to feel her close. For the past three months he wasn't sure if he would ever be able to do that again.

Danny was already standing by the door, "I am really glad you are back, Catherine." Danny said finally and flashed her an honest smile. He was glad that Catherine was okay and he was glad that his best friend, the brother he never had, finally got his girl back. He finally had a shot at the happy ending.

"Thanks Danny. I am glad to be back." she replied. And honestly that was the understatement of the year.

* * *

After Danny had left and she had settled in a little bit, Steve and Catherine made some dinner and were now sitting on his porch enjoying the food. It was a calm evening, the trees were rustling softly in the light breeze that was coming from the ocean. The birds were chirping so graciously, it sounded almost like a welcome home melody. The sun was just a few minutes away from setting, bathing O'ahu's capital city in a beautiful orange with a hint of pink.

"Look at us. I think we are actually growing up. We actually managed to eat something before ending up in bed.." Catherine said, referring to Danny's comment earlier, "I mean we are not animals, we can- what?" she asked, when she noticed him staring at her with a huge grin on his face, "Do I got something on my face?"

"No, no, everything looks great. I mean you look great. I just can't believe you are back." Steve said and even though he was still smiling, his serious tone gave him away.

"Why, you thought I wouldn't come back?"

"No..I mean yeah, I guess I was worried you wouldn't. You know, being an undercover agent with the CIA isn't exactly the safest job." he answered honestly, "But what I am trying to say is that I am just really really glad that you are back. Safe and sound."

"I am too, Steve. I am glad to be home." she whispered. Steve had always been her home. And now, she was back. Finally.

"Yeah, home." he agreed with the softest smile on his face. After everything they had been through in the past few months, years, decades even, they were now here. They had finally made it. "This calls for celebration don't you think?" he exclaimed excited and his smile turned into a flirty smirk, "What do you think about opening a bottle of wine? I bought your favorite."

"That's really sweet..but uh, I really shouldn't drink wine at the moment." she replied and raised an eyebrow, as if she was daring him to figure out why not.

"Wait, are you on medication? I thought you said you were fine I-"

"Okay, calm down there, sailor." she interrupted him. He raised an eyebrow in question, so she got up, rounded the table and sat down on his lab. She wrapped her arms around his neck and subconsciously, her fingers started playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. He still looked at her in confusion and surprise, because he didn't have a clue at what was going on right now. She couldn't help but snicker at the sight in front of her. A part of her really loved seeing him so flustered.

"Hey, hey, what's going on?" he asked, obviously completely oblivious to what she was trying to tell him.

"Well, sailor, you are smart, aren't you? So figure it out. What other reason could I have for not being able to drink wine for say at least the next 6 months?" she said, looking him in the eyes the whole time.

He just stared at her, when it finally hit him, "You are pregnant?" he asked.

"Oh, would you look at that. Handsome and smart." she answered, before softly hitting him against the shoulder. "Yeah, dummie, I am." His eyes darted to her stomach and than back to her face. She couldn't quite read him and the confident smile she had been wearing slowly elapsed. The doubts that had been plaguing her from the moment she had found out that she was pregnant resurfaced, when he remained silent. "It's yours..of course. And I know this..uh, wasn't planned at all..I.." she trailed off, unsure of what exactly she wanted to say. Funnily enough, she had never thought she would think this way, but even though it was absolutely unplanned, she really wanted this baby.

"Doesn't matter." he said finally, "It's great, Cath." A huge grin broke on his face.

"You really think so?"

He nodded vehemently, "Yeah." he whispered and his eyes darted back to her stomach. He carefully placed his hand on her tummy and he could actually feel a tiny little bump, "Oh." he exclaimed, when the weight of her words settled in. This bump made it excitingly real.

"Yeah." she echoed, when her hand came to rest on top of his. His grin grew even wider, in case that was even still possible, and he just couldn't believe his luck. Mere hours ago he had been nervously pacing up and down in his livingroom, because he had been so afraid that something had happened to Catherine and now, she was not only back, she also had the most amazing surprise for him. Their lips met for a soft kiss. Without intending to do so, she had given him everything he had wanted and more.

"Wait, hold on." he mumbled into the kiss, before bringing some distance between them. "So..you were pregnant the whole time and you still finished the assignment? Why didn't you tell me..why didn't you come home?" he asked, disappointment and even a hint of anger were resonating in his voice.

"I didn't know about this until a week ago..so I didn't tell you right when I found out, because there was only a week left and I thought telling you in person would be better, because we have never really talked about this.." Catherine explained. "And this last week I didn't have to do much field work anymore anyway. It was mostly just boring paperwork."

"Mostly?" he asked almost aghast and cocked his head.

"Steve, we are fine, okay? I am fine. And the baby is fine, too." she assured him and nodded softly in an effort to underline her statement. He rolled his eyes at her and she added: "Come on Steve, you know me, I would never voluntarily put our baby in harm's way." She would never forgive herself if anything had happened to their baby, because of her work or anything else for that matter. And he knew that. Of course he knew that.

"Our baby." he chuckled softly, "I like the sound of that."

"I do too." she agreed, as she rested her head on his shoulder. She buried her face in the crook of his neck, breathing in his familiar scent. She didn't really believe that things or people were ever perfect, but this moment was pretty damn close to perfect.

His hand was still resting on her stomach, "Welcome home little guy." he said to her stomach, "You know your mom, she is kind of a badass. Travelling the world, risking her life and-"

She scoffed, "Steve."

"Hey, hey, let me finish." he replied and threw her an almost scolding look - jokingly of course - before he returned to looking at her stomach. "You are so lucky to have her as your mother. She is the best. And we both love you so so much." he continued and locked his eyes with hers. Without using actual words, but merely their eyes, they promised each other to love one another. For better or worse.

"Always." she whispered with a soft smile on her face.

"Always."

**THE END**


End file.
